Alphabet Puke
Potty Talk

Here’s the first post of many in 2012. Let this hold you over until I can finger paint some more words onto the page.

I’ve been trying to do some research lately, not for a class or anything, just out of curiosity.

To be more specific, I’ve been trying to find some literature on bathroom etiquette. For some reason, there seems to be a terrible lack of social advice regarding the wash room.

We always talk about the way people handle themselves in the bathroom like there’s some inherent rule book, but this rule book seems to be an unspoken one, so I never really know if I’m right or not.

I’ve walked in on people who were absolutely livid, and when I asked them what happened they told me that someone put the roll of toilet paper on the handle upside down. I think that’s a pretty odd thing to get pissed off about. Haha, pissed off. It’s a bathroom pun. Sometimes after making a pun I hate myself.

It’s like when you’re full but there’s still one donut left in the box. I mean, you can’t not eat it even though you know you’re going to hate yourself as soon as you finish it. That’s the way I feel about my puns sometimes. I know it’s there and I just can’t stop myself. It’s like when Jim Carrey played The Mask. “Ssssomebody stop me!”

Jim Carrey is the man. I was going to say he was the s**t just for another bathroom pun but I don’t think I can say that word. As my 3 year old niece would say, “No potty talk.” I think I already broke that rule, though, so I might as well get a column out of it.

Speaking of my niece, I have serious trouble coming up with appropriate exclamations around her. Normally, if I was going to say something bad I could just say poop instead. Apparently I’m less cultured than a 3 year old, though, because she has informed me that poop is vulgar word.

But I’m not going to get into an argument with a 3 year old, so I just tell her that at least I can poop by myself.

Back on the subject of bathrooms. Why are they called bathrooms? Most of the time there aren’t even baths in them. I find it quite ironic that we refer to a bathroom without any sort of bath as a”half-bath”. It’s not a half-bath! It’s a no-bath!

It’s like we’re afraid to talk about what happens in bathrooms, like god forbid we call a bathroom what it is and the whole illusion is destroyed. There are names that could be so much cooler sounding than “bathroom”.

What about the excrementorium? That would be a sweet name for a bathroom. I, for one, would be sure to always announce my bathroom breaks if I could declare my sojourn to the excrementorium.

Plus, it sounds like the name of a Stephen King novel. I might even read that one.

When talking about bathroom etiquette, though, there seems to be a complete lack of distinct answers. For example, in gentile society is it considered improper to take the handicap stall? What if all the other stalls are taken? This is one I have real trouble with.

Sometimes I just don’t know. Many an existential crisis has been triggered standing in the bathroom, my head a-swivel, undecided between the handicap stall and the smaller stall. What a truly troubling first world problem.

The best solution I’ve been able to come up with is, if all the other stalls are taken then I can grab the larger stall guilt-free.

I often have this same problem with establishments that have two single person bathrooms, one for men and one for women. Why bother marking them men’s and women’s if only one person can be in there at a time anyway.

The only thing this seems to accomplish is making me feel guilty when the men’s is occupied and I’m hopping up and down with my legs crossed trying to decide if it will look weird when I come out of the women’s restroom. I won’t pee on the seat, ladies. I swear.

Now, to close this article, I want to try to mix in some pop culture. I’ve been told relating to the latest fads makes your writing sound totally more hip, and from what I keep hearing the kids talking about it seems this whole vampire thing is pretty big deal.

So, to close, I want to leave you with something to think about, something poignant, something that will challenge your intellect and increase your awareness.

Tying vampires together with bathroom talk is no easy task, so here’s my best shot: Is it a cause for concern for a vampire if they don’t find blood in their stool?